My Most Important Post

These last few weeks have been interesting. To even call this "interesting" seems to minimize the profound effect this time period has had on my life.

The 5 or so of you who have read my blog from the beginning have watched me chronicle parts of the last couple years of my life. I've discussed politics, faith, business and a whole variety of things, as evidenced by the list of Labels/Topics in the sidebar.

However, the blog was a way for me to get thoughts out. Express myself. Therapy, if you will (a friend of mine says to F#@% Therapy, so perhaps my blog was a way of doing that). When I first started blogging, I was going to write these brilliant articles, which people were going to love. I was then going to put ads up, and then make a ton of money like Michael Arrington from TechCrunch. I realized a few things...Michael Arrington has worked his tail off to generate the kind of income he does from his blog. He also has the hassles that come with generating the income he has. In addition to that, it seems he's passionate about what he's doing. I don't know that I was ever passionate about blogging. Perhaps writing for fun, but not to the point where it becomes a job. So, I've been searching. Searching for passion. Something that would move me.

For a long time, I thought it was money. So I'd jump from income opportunity to income opportunity, job to job, etc. Each time something didn't work out, I thought it was an issue with the opportunity or job itself. "Oh well, the leads they were giving were crappy" or "Well, marketing is the most important part of that deal, and my sponsor didn't tell me that". Excuses and justifications for lack of achievement flowed from me. So I thought perhaps my mindset was all messed up. I thought I wasn't sowing seeds of prosperity. So I went and spent a small fortune on books and media to improve my mindset. I think I have well over 1500 unread emails in various email accounts from different "success gurus". I also have a 5 shelf bookcase filled with various books on improving self-image, financial success, leadership, etc. If you name an author in the self-improvement field, chances are good that I have a book or audio program by that person. However, as Tyler Durden from Fight Club states, "Self improvement is masturbation". If you can get past the "ewwww...yucky...masturbation" part of the quote, and consider the meaning of it, you'll understand my folly in collecting these items. If you still don't understand...well...that's another blog post for another time.

So I read books, made lists, vision boards, listened to audios, rid myself of negative people, said affirmations and got what? Nothing. My personal life goal a couple years ago was to be a millionaire by 26, and a billionaire by 36. Why am I not? Because for me, the price is too high. Now, what does that mean? What it would cost to be a high income earner isn't worth it to me. It would be like paying $300,000 for a box of Cheerios. The time away from my family for what would likely result in a life of comfort isn't worth it to me. Some say I'm quitting, giving up. Perhaps. But I've chased these things. I have earned over $10,000 in a month. It was a good feeling, in the moment. I spent some money, had fun, made some memories. But in the end, I felt empty.

What about all of my positive self-image and positive thinking? Everyone who knows me, knows I think very highly of myself. So why did I feel like I was drifting through life?

God made it known to me that the reason I wasn't satisfied with pursuing worldly ideals is because I'm here to be IN the world, but not OF it. So earning a whole lot of money isn't going to fulfill me? No, was the answer. I started thinking of the story of the rich, young ruler who came to Jesus (Matthew 19:16-30), asking what he had to do to gain eternal life. Jesus told him to sell what he had, give it to the poor and follow Him. The scripture tells us "When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth". This man stood in front of God in the flesh, heard what he had to do to enter into the kingdom of God, and went away SAD! He was so consumed with his possessions, that they'd consumed him.

I'm so ashamed with how I've spent my adulthood. It's been spent "playing church". I've gone around for the last 10 years of my life, claiming "I'm saved! Jesus is getting me into Heaven!". Why? Because sometime 10 years ago, I prayed a prayer, and have been running around acting unrepentant since then. I haven't behaved like someone who is grateful to the God in Heaven who thought enough of me to send His only Son to die for me and everyone else. I've been treating Jesus like a life insurance policy past the contestability period (during the first 2 years of a life insurance policy, the company has the right to contest anything in the application. After that, MOST of the time, they have to pay the death claim. So if you put non tobacco on the application, and then decided to take up smoking 3 years later, they have to pay). I've been behaving like I had no cares, no worries. Praising Him on Sundays, spitting on Him during the other 6 days with my actions and lifestyle. It's not that I am claiming to have lost my salvation. I've been debating whether or not I actually HAD salvation.

What brought this about? I just finished reading Hard To Believe by John MacArthur. The book discusses how the gospel has been watered down to a series of nonconfrontational messages, and how Jesus has been turned into a personal genie. It also discusses how there is a cost to following Jesus, and how one has to determine if it is a cost they are willing to pay.

For me, it's no longer a question. It's no longer about chasing money, the Porsche 911 Turbo and the huge house with 17 LCD flatscreens. It's about leading a life which is pleasing to Him who created me and Him who saved me. It is also about letting as many people as possible know about the goodness of the gospel and that there is an answer. One doesn't need a secret or a positive self image for fulfillment in life. One needs to believe and repent.

I don't know what direction my life will head in. Have I been called into ministry? I'm learning to hear the voice of God. I haven't heard that. But I won't rule it out until I hear from above. I'm going to go Matthew 6:19-34 on this.